Should I be upset and worried that my boy/girlfriend dances salsa with other people?

Discussion in 'Just Dance' started by MacMoto, May 7, 2014.

  1. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

    I have an unpopular opinion on this subject in this forum. I think your feelings are justified. I would have been jealous also. And mainly because I myself have had a couple major connections while dancing that lead to other things off the dance floor. Sometimes it is NOT just dancing. When you have an intense connection with someone it is a human response to think if this intensity could carry over to other parts of life. Of course it is one's choice to pursue these feeling or not. I think it was great that the two of you talked about it and if you are in a committed relationship it is fine to not want your partner to be making intense connections. I myself am in a committed relationship with a dancer and I no longer put myself in those situations. We mainly just dance with each other and a few friends...which works for us. So you need to figure out what will work for the two of you. But don't let anyone tell you that people don't hook up in salsa or that its just dancing. It can be a powerfully sensual experience.
     
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  2. khabibul35

    khabibul35 Tumbao

    My ex-wife felt the same way. It was an argument that never got sorted and (in combination with other stuff) led to divorce. If you believe that limiting your own and your partner's sensuality (or connections with others in general) is the best way to handle the difficulties of jealousy, it's totally understandable. But as you said, for better or worse, I think those who choose to dance seriously, are much more inclined to disagree with you. My best guess is that years of this kind of contact makes it more normal and at that point it's not something easily given up by most if they get into a relationship.

    I'm not saying it's the right answer though. My only recommendation here is that you seek someone who's naturally inclined in this direction as well, because otherwise there will be resentment on your part for them not playing by your rules or on their part for not being able to be themselves.

    I'll plug my own stance by just urging you to try to get over jealousy first and change rules second. Maybe, may be... you can overcome the jealousy yourself after a month or two. If you can't do it, you can always go back to the old way. However, my current girlfriend and I are happily on same page, both having had some jealousy issues at points, but solved it by talking it out rather than adding restrictions. It was worth the effort in my opinion.
     
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  3. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

    I have been dancing for many years. And while the intense connections with sexual chemistry are few and far between, they do happen for some of us. Maybe not everyone experiences this. But I have. And nothing was going to stop it. That being said I have been in a committed relationship with a dancer coming up on 6years. We are very much in love. And we do what works for us. If I saw my honey dancing with another woman gazing in her eyes like he does mine you, damn skippy I would be pissed! I am being very honest here. A lot of people will not admit to being jealous because it is not a great quality to possess. But no one is perfect ;)
     
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  4. khabibul35

    khabibul35 Tumbao

    I have experienced this kind of connection too, and can definitely attest to feeling jealous when I see my girlfriend have an intimate connection either on the dance floor or during a conversation on the side. These things happen, and for me it's not a question of how often (although it happens far less often as time moves on), but rather a question of how you deal with it. I'm trying to advocate a solution that is more based on introspection and conversation rather than a solution based on policing of oneself and of one's partner.
     
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  5. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

    And that is very adult of you :) I myself have not reached that level of maturity. & sometimes a little self policing is necessary :)
     
  6. khabibul35

    khabibul35 Tumbao

    Thanks for the compliment, but I didn't mean to imply anything about maturity. I think it's more of a case of trial and error. Try different stuff and see what works for you! I'm happy I tried it because it worked for me. :)
     
  7. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

    Well luckily for us we have found what works for us. In the beginning it was quite a struggle. While I am not flirty by nature, I like sensual dancing and I am affectionate. My partner is latin and some of this was hard for him. But we worked it out and are very happy :) I realized that relationships that you care about have compromises. His comfort and happiness means more to me than dancing with some random guy.
     
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  8. wol

    wol Sonero

    Yes, I was saving my unpopular opinion also :D
    IF you really have serious relationship (which is very, very rare between dancers IMHO), you have to find what works for both of you. It can be anything, including option to stop dancing completely (which is very popular option, when relationship is with a non dancer). Your feelings are understandable and when you are in a relationship you have to manage risks when dancing. Like avoiding dancing with persons one potentially can fall in love. It is hard to comment particular case you are describing and if you were overreacting or not, but in general persons, who behave irresponsibly on the dance floor will be the same in real life, IMHO.
     
  9. This is quite interesting. My instructor and I have an intense connection when we dance bachata and sometimes salsa. Other instructors have even joked about our connection. We have similar lifestyle values as well which adds to our dance chemistry. When we run into each other at socials not related to her work, we alwsys dance together and some of the newer people ask us how long we've dated even though we haven't.

    Unfortunately, logic and probably her contract dictates that we can't date.
     
  10. elanimal

    elanimal Tumbao

    When you're single, yes, that is probably the main objective of social dance... to open the door to potential relationships. That's undeniable.

    But I'd extend it further. I am learning to dance because I want to share dance, eventually, with someone I want to grow old with. So once you are in a serious relationship, I'm of the opinion that all 'connections' in dance are merely 'pretend,' superficial. At least that is how I see it and what I expect from my partner as well. It would be something we share till death do us part. Call me a sappy romantic.

    But here's where you'll stop calling me a sappy romantic, and the point I think that most people would not agree with.

    People are saying it's 'ok to express jealousy. Better to be honest and forthright.' That's just not how I go about things. Overall I think it is almost always a bad idea to show anger or resentment to a girl directly. The advice regarding these matters is different for guys and girls, IMHO. I'm not saying that guys should always be aloof. But you have to be very very judicious about when to show that you're girlfriend gets to you with things like this. That's because ALL... yes, no softening words, ALL girls... are attracted to strong guys who are secure in themselves. Showing you are too paranoid or hurt by her innocuous actions reveals insecurity, and that's unsexy, point blank.

    You also have to try and understand why a girl does what she does. Then there's a verbal calculus to inoculate yourself against it, and talk about why dance connections indeed are, 99.9% of the time, superficial.

    I may sound like I'm very serious, but in fact the way I treat things like this are to joke about them. It comes from a specific way of thinking. If my girlfriend is getting attention from guys, I'm glad that's happening. If no guy wants her, then that really sucks. Why would I like her, then. Likewise, I remind her it's a great thing, for her, if girls are googly-eyed for me.

    But then it's also my job to remind her that when a guy does play offense, which is just his job, it's her job to play defense.

    How well she plays defense is pretty much my number one criteria to determine whether a girl is serious material or not.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
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  11. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

    Too bad ;) It might be amazing off the dance floor too! It has never crossed your mind?
     
  12. Oh, it's definitely crossed my mind. We always have the weirdest coincidences too. E.g. We've gotten speeding tickets on the exact same day in two different incidents, always end up dressing like a couple (i.e. same colour) even though we don't talk, and in talking about the last few years, we found out that our vacations have been in the same place for the past 3-4 years.

    But like most people say, dance connection is mostly superficial and just for art more than anything else.
     
  13. Chris_Yannick

    Chris_Yannick Rhythm Deputy

    Nice post. I'm not overly jealous, but salsa does push my limits sometimes. In the end, you just have to trust your partner that what happens on the dance floor stays there. It's actually not the overly sensual/flirty dancing that gets to me, it's what happens off the dance floor. I'm in a super friendly scene where it's normal for two people to sit in a dark corner and share an intimate chat, where at first glance, it looks like something is going on, yet this is normal and considered friend zone talk.

    Where I come from, if you see two people dancing twice in a row or who are seen chatting for at least 5 minutes, they are a couple lol.
     
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  14. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

    Mostly ;)
     
  15. Offbeat

    Offbeat El Sabroso de Conguero

    I haven't yet read rest of the thread. I don't know whether MysteriousStranger was acting out of jealousy or insecurity yet. Before knowing more, I disagree that this is only about confidence. You can be extremely confident and still feel the way that MysteriousStranger did. Jumping ahead of myself, it may be less about insecurity or confidence, but more about how much his or anyone partners is aware that their significant other is dancing right next to them.

    If the significant other is not around, it is a different thing. There is a reason it is called relationship. Don't do something that makes your significant other uncomfortable. Yes, type of connection that MysteriousStranger described his GF was sharing falls under that. I say that because when I am dancing and if there were to be someone I was in relationship with around on the dance floor, I would tone down anything in my dancing dancing that conveys a connection bordering on getting lost in other person. That's just me and we can agree to disagree. Taking into consideration your partners feelings is part and parcel of being in a relationship. Sometimes those feelings may be unjustified but in a mature relationship sometimes you should know that you have to be understandable about unjustified feelings too. It is a relationship, not a court battle.
     
  16. Relationships and salsa - Should I be worried? This is the eternal question.

    Here are my two centavos: Please do not be offended, anyone, I am talking to myself and not
    judging anyone. Purely personal perspective, not a sermon.

    I think salsa is at its very essence a mating dance. So yes, it is about sex. You are moving your bodies to sensual music, you are a guy she is a woman, you are touching, smelling, smiling, looking at each others eyes, how can this not be about sex? That's why it is so compelling, it is sex ...in just the right amount.

    So when people dance with other partners, this is already a charged topic. Different people handle this situation different ways,
    and there really can be no generalizations as to how two people in a close relationship "should" deal with it. Everyone in a relationship must find their own path on this one. Paradoxically, it has the potential to make a strong relationship stronger, and a weak relationship weaker.

    I think of it as playing with fire. But........ a glassblower :"plays with fire" literally, and the result is beautiful art. If he is good at what he does he respects fire and safely uses it to accomplish his art. He is wise and experienced enough to take the precautions necessary to use the fire and not get burned. I think people can dance with other people and not get burned. I am betting on it because I am in a very stable longterm relationship which means a lot more to me than a dance.

    Part of it is what my beliefs are. If I believed love is an overwhelming force that cannot be contained probably I would very likely get burned, as it is very easy to assume the strong feelings elicited by a great dance are this thing called love. And if I believe that I can't "fight that feeling" it could easily result in me go on to another relationship if that is where the feeling led.

    If on the other hand I believe I have the ability to choose who I allow into my life, I can exercise judgment and choice. Being in a solid longterm relation, I feel in control and know that a dance can be just a dance. But I also exercise a series of common sense precautions - I drink water (and lots of it), I try to dance with everyone one dance, dance bachata at arms length, and I stay in the middle of the venue where the music is so loud you have to shout at each other - makes for pretty short and innocuous conversations, if you can call it that even. This is my way of enjoying the dance for the dance, and to maintain my relationship, which is the best of both worlds for me.
     
  17. Offbeat

    Offbeat El Sabroso de Conguero

    It is good, not to hide how you feel. Otherwise you are just subjecting yourself to build up of such feelings and the stress that will result. Which may then make you more passive aggressive and harm your relationship.

    The opinions and tolerance levels will differ from one person to another. It is like flirting. A playful flirting with other people is generally consider to be okay in most cultures including most conservative ones (with caveat that who the 'other people' are, may have its own boundaries). Some people may have low tolerance for it. But suggestive flirting will be frowned upon by most people, though flirting by itself doesn't lead to equivalent of unfaithfulness. Similarly with connection in salsa dancing. It is subjective - in the eyes of the beholder as well as in the act of those indulging in it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
  18. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

  19. kbitten

    kbitten Clave Commander

    kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk..

    how dare you do the same you did to me with that girl? no no sir kkkkkkkkk
     
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  20. Slowdance

    Slowdance Descarga

    All I know is that when you are 20 years older than most of the ladies at the club, none of this matters. :)
     
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