Should I be upset and worried that my boy/girlfriend dances salsa with other people?

Discussion in 'Just Dance' started by MacMoto, May 7, 2014.

  1. Desafinado

    Desafinado Tumbao

    Fear of being cuckolded is not the main reason people get upset when their boy/girlfriends dance salsa with other people. All the "dancing doesn't lead to cheating" arguments don't offer any comfort when it's the dancing itself (with or without grinding) that triggers the jealousy reaction, similar to if their boy/girlfriends were openly flirting with someone at a party.
  2. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

    Very true! At least for me I find openly flirting while you are in a serious relationship to be in poor taste and disrespectful..on or off the dance floor. It might not bother some but it would me. Although when there is strong chemistry sometimes even when you are not openly flirting it can be obvious and spark jealousy.
    wol, dedog2003 and Smejmoon like this.
  3. Offbeat

    Offbeat Maestro 'El Diferente' Canales

    What's your definition of flirting in the context of poor taste? Even in conservative cultures, some flirting is not off-limits. Flirting can range from playful teasing or joking or repartee to something a lot more.
  4. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

    For me I don't like it when a man I am with flirts with other women, period. Nor do I find it in good taste when a woman flirts with him when she knows he is with someone. Go flirt with someone single.
    & there is an obvious difference between flirting and joking around. But I am not really a randomly flirtatious person. If I flirt, (which is rare, I am more straight forward) I am interested in the guy. I know women who flirt with every one and I find it extremely annoying.
    Slowdance and Smejmoon like this.
  5. mlemonl

    mlemonl Son Montuno

    I think I echo the feelings of the folks here who hold trust and respect to be a core of the relationship. And this problem of salsa interrupting a relationship really falls down to insecurity.

    I dance and my boyfriend doesn't but he is more than encouraging for me to go out and salsa even though he knows that there's intimacy, connection, flirtation going on. Maybe he's secure enough that I won't run off with a salsero, or more importantly, I think if I do run off with one of my dancing partners, he would respect that. And I appreciate him for that. And it's not a double standard, I think if my significant other finds someone that he connects better with, it is his right to run off with her, and good for him to do so than to drag on relationship longer than it needs to be. You shouldn't be with a person that doesn't feel 100% with you, whether salsa is involved or not. Just because salsa is an opportunity for intimacy and chemistry to build, it is really the individual that still decides to act upon it. Just like the arguments about Tinder causes people to cheat, Tinder facilitates maybe, but if the person wants to cheat, they will cheat, Tinder or not.

    I think flirtation is a loose term. Something you don't consider flirtatious might be flirtatious to the other party simply because they are interested in him/her. I think people should approach partner dancing as much or as little as their relationship comfort allows. I've been rejected by leads at socials because they came with someone and I'm assuming she would mind. I respect that. I had great connections and smiles (maybe flirting?) with other leads that also came with a partner. And I also respect that.
    Slowdance and sofar like this.
  6. dedog2003

    dedog2003 Changui

  7. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

    Really?! I am madly in love with my SO and I know I would be devastated if he ran off with someone else!
    Slowdance and wol like this.
  8. Why being upset?There is no problem with that.
  9. Piglet

    Piglet Changui

    In my opinion, I won't be upset that my boyfriend dances salsa with other people. When I love him, I'll trust him completely. ^^
  10. elanimal

    elanimal Tumbao

    It's all down to your own confidence, and their approach to dancing. Most people here are saying 'kumbayah, everyone just dances for the music' but that's BS. Many people learn to dance for the social aspects, good and bad. Ultimately you have to gauge what your partner's intentions are.
  11. calichris10

    calichris10 Sabor Ambassador

  12. salsapeople

    salsapeople Changui

    As salsa is inherently a flirtatious dance and, as all partner dances are danced in the arms of another.
    As my point of view try to understand steps of salsa dancing with partner. Sometimes your partner may not be as good or fast as you are. This is the best way to understand and accept each other's weaknesses which is the first step towards solving relationship problems.
    Salsaurus Mex likes this.
  13. Posting on another account in order to avoid RL identification given the nature of my post, hopefully that's ok.

    I started dancing around 2 years ago. In January, I started dating a salsera in the local scene. We've known of each other a while, but sparks didn't start flying before this year.

    My gf has danced a while longer than me, but not a lot. She's solid at casino (intermediate+) and bachata (intermediate) and probably advanced beginner at linear salsa. I don't dance casino at all, am intermediate or so at linear and advanced beginner at bachata. Anyway.

    To keep things relatively short and sweet: she's the type of person that wears her heart on her sleeve, including when she dances. This includes dancing bachata with me, where she one night visibly frowned at my not so awesome leading skills - which didn't exactly help my mood a lot. 10 mins later I observed her dancing casino with one of the best leads - and she radiated joy from every single cell of her being.

    Fast forward to now, roughly a month later. We were out, and dancing next to each other. We just had a super good salsa with each other. She was dancing with an unknown guy, who turned out to be a really, really good casino dancer. Let's say 8-8.5 out of 10. My partner was very drunk (which I discovered too late), and I found myself observing them more and more. My gf had the exact kind of look in her eyes when she looked at her partner that she's got when we look at each other in bed, deeply in love. The kind of look that (to my admittedly not neutral eyes) says there's an intense connection here. She didn't break eye contact with him at all in the latter half of the song when they were facing each other.

    I reacted with...a feeling of intense jealously which I've never felt before. Which is very out of character for me - I'm not the jealous type at all! So the shock of a jealous reaction was totally unexpected as well! But it almost felt as if she were being emotionally unfaithful to me right in front of me, sharing an intimate moment like that with another guy. I wasn't worried at all that she'd be unfaithful, just very jealous that she shared such an intense experience with another person.

    Fast forward through some arguing, we talked about it a lot last night. I just couldn't keep it in and basically told her everything. She obviously got quite upset. The end of the story was basically that we agreed that she would try to relax the intensity of connection with her partner (as opposed to the dance itself/the music), while I would work on accepting that it's just a dance and nothing more. Note that she's not the super flirty type in general. And I'm 99% sure she connects more with her partner in these amazing dances than a lot, lot of other people do - she just feels everything intensely! Which is part of the reason I love her :)

    So I've been thinking. I've had some very, very good dances as well, but nothing quite as euphoric as the ones she's experienced. Am I wrong in denying her this ultimate connection? Am I hindering her enjoyment of dance in a way that's not acceptable? Do I need to just find a way to deal with this and accept it or realize the relationship is doomed? Are my feelings not justifiable at all?

    Thanks for reading #confused
    Last edited: May 30, 2016
    khabibul35 likes this.
  14. elanimal

    elanimal Tumbao

    Unfortunately you did react negatively. As has been said in this thread, it's not only down to your partner's intentions, but also your own confidence.

    When you're in a relationship, there's more to it than just dancing. You need to feel like you have more to offer than just dance, and it has to be congruent. Meaning, you have to feel good enough about yourself outside of dance that if your girlfriend dances with someone better than you, it doesn't really matter, because that guy doesn't do this or that as well as you. This guy may have been an 8/10 at casino, but you're a damn 10/10 at making those granola-covered french toast the morning after a... good night.

    You show that confidence in those trying moments, how you react. When you react the way you did to a dance, it shows you're sensitive and perhaps not feeling very confident. Here's how I would have reacted:

    'Uuuu, looks like you had a good dance over there with (insert joking name here). How was it?' I would also insert some teasing in there. 'Looks like you had a lot of fun, huh. MMMMMmmmmm.' Then just keep going about your way. Then I would ask 'so what does he do differently than I do?' Make it clinical. That in particular shows that you have a 'growth mindset' and are willing to seek out specific ways to get better as a dancer.

    She likes that you dance. When you dance, you have options. She likes that you have options, so remind her of that very very subtly. If she really IS unfaithful, you (should) have a number of girls somewhat interested in you. Think about it. Would she like you if no other girl liked you? If no other girl liked you, you'd be a defective dude. Sent back to the assembly line to get fixed. No girl likes a guy with zero options.

    So act like you have options. If she messes up, it's her loss anyway.

    TL,DR; if she does something that induces jealousy in you, the way you react shows a lot about your own confidence. If you handle that 'adversity' like it's nothing but a little dirt on your shoulder that you brush off completely inconsequentially, it's mad attractive. Treat it as a joke. Tease. Very subtly show that she's acting wrong. And always keep in mind that you're much more than just how you dance. Or at least you should be, and that should be reflected in your actions.
    SnowDancer likes this.
  15. @elanimal maybe I worded my post badly. I don't care that other guys are better dancers than me, I included the info about his skill level to show that he was skilled enough to create a super musical story together with her. My gf has said that she needs her partner to be quite an amazing dancer to experience that euphoric sense of joy and connection, and I pretty much agree. A mediocre, or even good, dancer just can't do that. You may of course disagree, but that is her belief and I have no reason to distrust her. So I don't really care about his skill level per se - just the connection they had.

    I might come across as an insecure guy in that post - I'm really not. In all walks of life I'm generally very confident. Not saying this to be arrogant at all, but I do have a lot going for me. Which is all the more reason for my surprise at my reaction, and it was just so intense that I was unable to hide it.

    I'll say this though - dancing has given me a lot of pleasure, but I do find myself feeling insecure about it more than any other area of my life. I know I judge myself more harshly than anyone else, a fact that several people has impressed upon me.

    So anyway - for you, there is nothing wrong about having an intense connection with someone, am I reading you correctly? Which is entirely fair. Obviously the line is drawn if anything happens but that's really not an interesting discussion for anyone imo. And as strange as it may sound, my jealous reaction is not at all related to a fear of her being unfaithful.
  16. elanimal

    elanimal Tumbao

    I don't think you worded it all that badly, I got what you wanted to say from it. You're not afraid of actual cheating, more of a 'dancing connection.' If a person can't make light of that, it shows their own state of mind.

    As far as an 'intense connection,' no, I have no problem with that, when it comes to dancing. Specifically because I don't consider a dancing connection, especially salsa, to be 'super intense.' It's almost a trick. I can't help but laugh internally when multiple girls very honestly tell me 'we just have such good dancing chemistry.' Yes, you and many others. They say it as if it's this unique, world-altering thing. It's not unique, and that makes it really irrelevant. It's the girls who understand that that type of connection is superficial that makes them better partners to me. It's about the other stuff you bring to the table, as you know.

    We all have a lot going for ourselves, but your reaction showed some type of insecurity. What insecurity, if not fear of legit connection, was it? Only you can say.
    khabibul35 likes this.
  17. kbitten

    kbitten Clave Commander

    Am I wrong in denying her this ultimate connection? YES

    Am I hindering her enjoyment of dance in a way that's not acceptable?

    Do I need to just find a way to deal with this and accept it YES

    Are my feelings not justifiable at all? YES, cause like you said you are not jealous or afraid that she will cheat on you so...

    - or realize the relationship is doomed? FOR YOU RIGHT? Why? Answer that and you will find the real problem!
    elanimal likes this.
  18. khabibul35

    khabibul35 Tumbao

    Agreed, but don't you think that connection can be a springboard for more? I think in some ways, it's why we dance at all - searching for some sort of connection beyond the music. Otherwise, why not just go for a run or hit up the weight room for exercise?

    That being said, I totally agree with you that this is relatively common. In my experience, beginner followers (in terms of time, not in terms of skill) often seem to confuse this connection with being more real than it is. An advanced follow might still glow at the end of the dance, but won't mix into it deeper feelings - I think we get desensitized to it a bit with time. We understand the relative abundance of such experiences and thus have a greater context for it.

    I also agree with you that it's based in insecurity, but for slightly different reasons. The connection may be real or superficial, but that doesn't matter; you have to trust your partner that your connection is stronger and not seek to take away other connections (dance, friendship, maybe even a bit of flirting) as a means of retaining them. That's true love! Trust in your partner and in your relationship!

    Hmm, quite interesting and kudos to you for talking about it, rather than initiating a blame game! Honesty in what you saw/felt -> Strong Defensive Reaction -> Compromise is way better than Blame -> Strong Defensive Reaction -> Mutual Resentment. But I would challenge you step up your game one more step Honesty in what you saw/felt -> Strong Defensive Reaction -> Let both of you feel what you feel, without anyone needing to change.

    Like you said, you love that part of her. Don't try to kill it or take it away. Take that and redirect it. When I see my girlfriend connect with someone I usually let her have it for as long as she wants and when she comes back to me, my reaction is usually to try to flirt with her as a means of promoting our connection - to take that passion and bring it to us. If I connect with another woman, I'll try to redirect that passion towards my girlfriend at a time when it's appropriate, trying to remember the fact that we too have that, we just don't see it as often since it's been normalized. Sometimes, I just give her a passionate kiss when I get home (indirectly making that experience into something constructive for us), and others I'll literally tell her that I had a pretty strong connection with someone but that she's the one for me (directly allowing us to share an experience and have it be constructive for us). One way or another, it becomes a means of sharing something.

    We both get to be who we are and get to have an awesome relationship. This would be my recommended path.
    Last edited: May 30, 2016
    cachondea, lidiap, MAMBO_CEC and 4 others like this.
  19. khabibul,

    thanks for the thoughtful post - constructive, and gave me a lot to think about.

    In addition to posting here, I talked to a person who's been part of salsa circles for many years about this. She told me this is very far from the first time a guy (seems like it's mostly guys!) reacts like this - but ultimately, she gave the same sort of advice as you. Also found it interesting that she did not place nearly as much emphasis on connection, but then again she's a very good dancer with lots of years of experience, as a professional as well. Bit of an aside, but I think it serves to illustrate that people need different things in social dancing to achieve their own personal dancing nirvana.

    So reflecting more on the issue I talked to my gf and told her that I was wrong, period. It's not my place to dictate how she feels during a fantastic dance, or indeed in any situation. Obviously she (and I, as I have done before) should back away if we feel the partner respond in a too sensual/interested way, but otherwise she's completely free to express herself in any way she wants. To top it off, we went out dancing...and I was able to truly relax and enjoy watching her dance as well. Might as well jump into it no?

    Thanks for the advice guys, I appreciate it.
    Smejmoon and MAMBO_CEC like this.
  20. Smejmoon

    Smejmoon El Sabroso de Conguero

    Dude, it's just the start of the problems... next thing you'll be jealous that she dances CHA CHA CHA with other people. I know my girlfriend was. :D :D

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