Is it fair to ask partner to not dance salsa etc. outside of salsa?

Discussion in 'Just Dance' started by Dancer10, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. Dancer10

    Dancer10 Changui

    Hey peeps,

    Just trying to get a general idea from dancers/non dancers on a few on a few of my opinions/issues.

    So my gf dances salsa, and is good. I'll sometimes go dancing with her but it's not my preferred style so I've never learned anything more than a few basic steps. I'm chill if she wants to go to salsa clubs, bars, etc if she wants to dance but I feel like at house parties and things like that where it's our friends and sometimes family who have never been exposed to Latin dance I'd prefer she didn't. Sometimes at these events she'll kill the music, chuck on some sexy bachata song and get a dude she does salsa with making a big scene about it :p

    Is that wrong of me to ask her not to do that?

    I realise it's just her wanting to show off her moves/skills but when it happens I can feel the eyes and a bit of pity from those present who have no experience with/exposure to salsa which kinda kills my vibe. Sometimes it makes me jealous, sometimes a bit powerless as obviously there's nothing I could really do in response other than giving the next prettiest girl in the room a lap dance ( which probably wouldn't go down well) . But I think mainly it makes me feel small. But it's something I'd never show, and I'm always smiling when things like this happen because I do realise it isn't a big deal but at the same time I feel like if it does kind of hurt me surely it isn't too big an ask to ask her to stop. As I'm certainly not asking her to stop dancing otherwise.

    I'm happy for her that she loves dancing but is it wrong for me to ask her to not showcase it with all those in my life? And just leave it for those in hers? Because I get tired of people asking me if I get jealous or "what do you think about that?" from those who don't really get or know latin dance (it isn't a particularly big scene/hobby where I'm from, think of places like the UK or Australia with little to no Spanish influence) ... Especially after what I feel is a needless bachata rendition after a chill house song :p

    Don't get me wrong, I say dance your salsa hearts away, which like I said I'll sometimes do myself. But I feel like if she says I can't dance with girls when I go to the more mainstream clubs when I'm out with my friends it should therefore be a fair compromise to ask her to leave her dancing at the places where people are accustomed to it?

    Which also leads me into my next question. Is me dancing with a girl at a night club really that different (or bad) from her dancing salsa if I'm behaving and just having fun?

    And if I shouldn't be allowed then should she be able to dance salsa with her friends at 'normal' nightclubs too?

    So many questions haha. For a nutshell of what I'm asking:
    1. Is it reasonable to ask my girlfriend to not dance salsa at non-salsa events?
    2. If your partner did ask you this, how would you feel/respond?
    3. Do you show your salsa off at parties etc. and have a non "dancing" partner? or vice versa.
    4. Is me dancing at clubs with girls really that taboo in comparison to social salsa? (I realise alcohol will probably play a big part here :p)

    Don't get me wrong, my girlfriend doesn't walk over me (or can't :rolleyes:) and I really don't want to be controlling. I just feel the way I do while she's probably oblivious and I just want to gather different views to help me decide which way to move forward.

    Cheers for reading. I'm curious as to what your opinions may be.
  2. Smejmoon

    Smejmoon El Sabroso de Conguero

    Talk to her about it. The sooner you get this off your heart, the better. IMO it's about your relationship, not dancing.
    LarsM, Peason, vit and 1 other person like this.
  3. Aurel

    Aurel Sonero

    It does not matter what the people here on the forums think is normal or not. Ultimately it's just about you, your GF and your relationship. If we say, that it's ok for you to dance with other girls in club and that you have the right to ask your girlfriend to stop showing-off her dance moves on home parties, it's not going to make you magically right and her wrong. It's not an argument for you that you can use to convince her that you are right.

    It all boils down to what is important for each person themselves. If it is important for you that your GF does not dance on house parties because you feel left out, and at the same time it's important for your GF to feel pretty and show how she can dance to your friends at non-salsa events, than there is really no tell from us if one of you is right or wrong. You have to communicate and come to a compromise.

    So, COMMUNICATE. Tell her what is bothering you and how you feel.

    If you can find a mutually satisfying compromise, than it does not matter what it is. It might involve you learning salsa and dancing with her on the house parties, it might be you being allowed to dance with girls at the night club, it might be that none of you will be dancing, or whatever. We can not decide the value of each of this things and compare them in order to be able to come up with a quid-pro-quo solution - it's you both who have to be ok with it.

    If you can not find a compromise, than one of you will have to give up on that, and get used to it. Or, maybe you will never be satisfied with it and you should be thinking if it's a dealbreaker or not (regarding the future of your relationship).
    LarsM, Peason, Offbeat and 2 others like this.
  4. Dancer10

    Dancer10 Changui

    I don't think it's a deal break at all. Nor am I asking anyone here definitively whether it is right or wrong. All I know is how I feel and I'm not sure if it is justifiable for me to feel this way. Which is why I'm just trying to get a consensus... I'm not looking for a "magical answer". I'm not asking people to tell me how I should feel in my relationship, more how they would/do in theirs. But cheers for the response!

    My point is obviously I will communicate with her, but before I do I want to gather others opinions on the subject :)
  5. MrR

    MrR Son Montuno

    Answer 1:

    It is fair to express your concerns to her.
    But you should get beforehand clear, what really is it what is bothering you.

    A trust based partnership lives from both sides sacrificing out of their own will, to make it work. For being able to do that, she needs to know it. And she knows what exactly it is, so she can make compromises (i.e. dancing a bit more parent friendly).

    But over all, Salsa/Dancing seems to be one of her core hobbies.
    Have you ever been around people, who are totally into tuning cars, sports, computer games and so on. Whenever they are bored on a party (or the theme by chance comes up), they try to change the theme to what they are doing. And suddenly you got a group of drunken guys on the street showing off their cars - which is actually dangerous, but in many conservative / male circles not seen as a moralistic bad thing, at best as a financial problem.
    While some dancers are a lot into talking about dancing, the vast majority is actually only into doing it.

    For people without any deeper hobby, this very often simply is socializing. Socializing which is the prime theme of most house- and family parties, bar nights etc.
    So while you are very happy drinking and having drunk discussions with others (or whatever you do at a house party), she probably is quite bored, because for her party means dancing. Not walking around on the dance floor with a beer, but partner dancing. (And let me guess, whenever you are at a house party, it's with your folks, right?)

    The equivalent would be her asking you on a club night, to stop speaking with people and start to dance with at least 5 different women per hour.
    You can see that at ballroom events at the end of youth classes, when parents want to see their children on the dance floor, but those teenagers are too conditioned to stay away from the other sex - specially when their parents are around - to do that. (Yes, my mother was a bit obsessive. But not the only one like that I met.)

    In this case we actually have people forcing other people to do, what they would like.
    And in a relationship (trust based - not power based) that should never be the case.

    So when you express your concerns, you should know very good, why you think, that her behavior is harmful.

    The drunken guys with the cars should be forced not to do it.
    The sports guys trying to play soccer in the room, should be sent outside.
    The gamers have no right to occupy the sound system for their spontaneous test of different PlayStations.
    The girl doing Bachata-Sensual in full club style mode, in front of the conservative family, can actually be asked to stop that, as it is vastly inadequate to do it. But don't wonder, if she then agrees to not go to those boring family meetings ever again - that is the other side of the medal, as she has no obligation to serve your family.
    But if the car guys are showing each other car videos on the phone, the sports guys head into the garden, the gamers go into one of their rooms to game or - if there is party dancing going on - the Bachata Girl changes the music from Charts-Random to some modern Bachata and then dances, within the rules of the dance, there is nobody hurting someone else.

    And when some other guy tries to tease you with the question: "Don't you get jealous, when she is dancing like that with other men / in front of all the people?" that guy is the one doing the harm, not your girlfriend, and it's on you to own it.
    "I know, you will be dreaming of her tonight. I stopped dreaming!"
    Marcos likes this.
  6. MrR

    MrR Son Montuno

    "Please explain to me, what is bothering you and why."

    And if I am in a fight mood:

    "You bought the package with the dancer. You like the confidence I got through dancing, you like the way I learned to move, the way I learned to handle your body! We can put that all away and get me back to the chubby nerd, who washes only when the flies are going to bother him and no woman lets closer to her, than the cashier in the supermarket has to.
    Oh, you don't want that neither?"

    I rarely go to parties, that are about drinking and socializing.
    Even before I started Salsa, when I went to a disco I went there to dance. While untrained, we were actually dancing quite nicely, related with the people who thought of dancing as a version of beer spilling with the main concerns of socializing and making out.
    We even had invented choreographic elements for our most popular songs.

    When I happen to be at a normal party and the theme comes up, well. I would not dance on our family parties - for that I would have to go there. But on a normal house party, no problem.
    I would not make a show out of it. I am no show dancer.

    You should look what you are doing when you are dancing with other girls there.
    Are you actually closer to making out with her than not?
    Are you regularly in the situation that you have to tell yourself, that you got a girlfriend ?
    In this case it is not the same.

    If you are just happily dancing with women, sleazy or not, and your mouthes and crotches stay happily disconnected from the other's body, no biggie.

    There is a reason, why many dancers are trained to leave each other after one or two dances.
    One reason for partner dancing is, that we can get the "dancing with the girl" experience, without breaking the line. And in some dances this line is stretched very much - Bachata is one of them - but dancers get very careful about not breaking it. Many of my regular Bachata partners get closer to me next to the dance floor than on it. That includes the ones doing full body contact body rolls!

    And as always: Same right for everybody.
  7. granrey

    granrey Tumbao

    you don't tell women what to do. you don't own them. They are not kids either. Everything they do have to come from their own accord. otherwise, you will look bossy/insecure, etc she will loose attraction and be mad at you.

    the best you can do at this point is to do the same or similar as her. when she goes dancing salsa, you dance salsa and do same she does. make sure the women dancing with you are having fun and your gf sees it. if posible dance with two women at once.

    or when she goes salsa, you go to Hooters with your male friends. make sure she knows you are having fun.

    Also, you don't become exclusive (bf/gf) with someone right away. you need time to get to know that person and see if there are issues.

    If there are issues, you don't become exclusive.

    If she asks (hints, innuendo, etc) that she wants to be exclusive. you say: "interesting, let me think about it and I'll let you know next time"

    you need time to think if there are issues and if she ask you :"what have you thought?"

    you: "about what?"
    her:"exclusive?, silly
    you: "oh that lol. are you gonna keep doing (put issue here)?"
    her: "yes, you know I do that"

    change topic. Meaning no relarionship.

    if she wants to be your gf. she knows she has to fix the issue and when she does, then you can make her your gf.

    If you ask her to fix the issue after you are exclusive (like some people are saying here) she will say: "you knew, I do that, why asking now?"

    If you ask her prior you are exclusive, she will say: "you are not my BF, you are not my dad, etc"

    this can only be handled when her interest is very high and wants to be your gf as I explained above.

    the best negotiating position is when you are willing to walk away from the deal.
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2017
    elanimal likes this.
  8. Winston

    Winston Descarga

    Is this really true or just your imagination?

    Make a video recording of the people reacting to her and watch it together to see if people are indeed uncomfortable or laughing at her.
  9. Dissonant Harmony

    Dissonant Harmony Rhythm Deputy

    My grandma said once: "Yes, I have a big ass. And if you don't like it, kiss it. Not for naught is it big".
  10. Dissonant Harmony

    Dissonant Harmony Rhythm Deputy

    Spot on.
  11. Dissonant Harmony

    Dissonant Harmony Rhythm Deputy

    My ex, once, asked me (in the mall) not to smile. (apparently, she didn't like my smiling-face).

    -Now, you answer the rest of your questions yourself.
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2017
    Joco and Smejmoon like this.
  12. granrey

    granrey Tumbao

    Ha Ha Ha, as far as I know when a boxer hits another boxer in a fight. Its not the comentaror's fault.

    elanimal likes this.
  13. elanimal

    elanimal Nuevo Ritmo

    @granrey is giving you the best, nuanced advice here. It is easy to come onto a forum and have people type platitudes to you. It is easy to say 'Just be open about your feelings, open up your heart to her, let her know what is bothering you.' It's very, very rarely that easy.

    I am not saying you should bottle things up to yourself. But as granrey rightly pointed out, anything an adult does, man or woman, must come from them. We're not kids anymore.

    First step back and assess the situation. Is this normal behavior from a woman you would consider your girlfriend? Is she being considerate of your feelings? It is clear this bothers you. How does she react to this? With regards to her awareness of the impact of her actions on you, she is one of 2:

    A) She doesn't know. She is oblivious to how this makes you feel, or
    B) She knows. She is completely conscious of it, and doesn't care to change it or address it anyway.

    "Opening up about your feelings" is not going to address the real core issue, which is those 2 options I outlined above. Although option B is bad, so is option A. You want to be able to create an option C, where she is magically sensitive to this type of issue now and in the future.

    By you asking her directly to not dance, you are asking her to change herself, as a person, on her own. You are not helping her.

    There are other ways where you can gently guide her to show her what your expectations are, if you are truly interested in a serious relationship with her. Just be aware that what you are asking is a more fundamental shift in her as a person, than it seems on the surface by merely asking her to "not dance." To spell it out, you want her to fundamentally be more considerate of you than she is right now.

    Ultimately though, if she is unwilling to become more considerate of you, you should be willing to walk away to find someone who will.
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2017
  14. Peason

    Peason Son

    Talk to each other.
    If something is bothering you, anything. Talk to each other.
    There is no "magic" way for her to know you do not like her to dance like that.
    Especially not when you are seeming happy and smiling and keeping your true feelings somewhere deep inside.

    And please, don't start manipulating her into getting your way without speaking it out.
    As some here seem to suggest.

    And if you do have this conversation, don't tell her you want her to stop.
    This decision is not yours to make.
    But by telling her your feelings, you give her the knowledge something is bothering you and a choice to do something about it.
    It's then up to the both of you how deep your love for each other is and if you can find a middleground that makes you both happy.

    So, talk!
    wol, Smejmoon and Aurel like this.
  15. Offbeat

    Offbeat Maestro 'Fania' Pacheco

    Oh please! That is as much a blanket statement as saying it is always a guy's fault (in dancing i.e.) People have been telling each other what to do for ages. Women tell men. Men tell women. Bosses tell subordinates and sometimes other way round. It all depends on the context. It is all about context and timing. In a relationship things can be more nuanced.

    If a woman (or a man) is hell bent on being a train wreck, I won't mind telling them what to do or not to do. Whether they listen or not is upto them. They own the consequences. [and if those consequences are going to drag me in to harm or hurt me, the more I should tell]

    Telling people what to do, doesn't mean owning them.

    May be best if you don't throw up blanket statements in discussions :) There! I told you what to do (or not to do) :D :D
    LarsM likes this.
  16. granrey

    granrey Tumbao

    The fastest route to dumpville is telling a woman what to do.

    If when she says this: "hey, honey. I'm going salsa dancing on Friday. just so you know :)"

    him: "cool babe, enjoy. I m so happy you have time for your hobbies. I'm going to (name of strip club here) the same day with my co workers. THEY HAVE BEEN ASKING TO JOIN FOR LONG BUT I NEVER I HAVE THE TIME"

    As days go by, make sure you phone your buddies in from her and mention how awesome and excited to you are for going to strip club.

    If she is into you. She will not like you are going there but she can't say anything because she is doing something similar. So, this is what's gonna happen.

    her: "hey honey, I cancelled my salsa for Friday because (put lame excuse here)"

    you: "are you sure babe?"

    her: "yes, I hope you enjoy your Friday with the boys....."

    you: "I'm not going either, I think I better do Netflix and chill with my gf"

    her: "you got that right :)"

    long kiss

    this only works if she has high interest in you.
  17. G809

    G809 Changui

    These posts by granrey are always so full of contrived dialogue, tricks, and manipulative approaches (in every thread! e.g. "stand 10 feet from her and then do X", "dance with someone else and then say Y", etc.). When I read these (and it's always with horror), I wonder: at which point in a relationship does the strategy and manipulation end, and the mutual appreciation, authenticity, and grappling with real emotions begin? For this person, I believe it may be never. I still have a lot to learn, but as a woman who has been married nearly 10 years, I really recommend ignoring this advice.
    Joco, wol, LarsM and 7 others like this.
  18. granrey

    granrey Tumbao


    manipulation as you call it is to find out what is more important for her. the BF or dancing slutty with other people?

    if you have a way to do that without sounding insecure, controlling, etc. I'm all interested to know.

    I personally think this girl is not interested in him. news flash:

    "when a person is interested in you, they don't make feel insecure, unless they think they can get away with it".

    most of you say: "have an honest conversation"

    please explain how. if this was that simple people would not come to a forum to ask such a question. people asking these questions totally know that would mean when they do : "insecure, controlling, I'm so into you that I can't imagine to lose you, etc

    If he was not that attracted to her, he would have dumped long time ago.

    Continuing like this is very unhealthy.
  19. Marisha

    Marisha Descarga

    A Salsa club and a strip club are two different places. So do not even compare them. :meh:
    dav7802 likes this.
  20. elanimal

    elanimal Nuevo Ritmo

    Jaja. @Dancer10 you've got more advice than you probably cared to receive! Good luck.

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