Help! Salsa crush won't fade....

Discussion in 'Just Dance' started by Biaja, Mar 25, 2013.

  1. Sabrosura

    Sabrosura Maestro 'Sonero' Lavoe

    In my case it is pretty clear, dance connection and personal connection usually are quite separate. There are many lovely guys who are simply not good dancers, or with whom I just don't share good dance chemistry, even though we are good friends and I really like them as people. And vice versa, there are guys with whom I don't necessarily share much of a personal connection, but when we dance, there are fireworks :) Because we have amazing dance chemistry.

    Now, of course that with such guys, it is nice to develop a personal connection outside of dance too, and it often does happen, over time. But when it comes to your question, the "we like the person, and it makes us feel that we like to dance with him" for me doesn't apply at all :p In fact I often feel bad that I have guy friends in the salsa world who I really like as people but with whom I simply do not enjoy dancing. And the "We like a person because we like to dance with him/her" is *sometimes* the case for me, but not always. There are guys with whom I absolutely love dancing, but who I don't know very well at a personal level -- so in my mind of course I want to think I would also like them as a person if I knew them better, but I know little about them so I have no idea if that is really true--whether I would indeed like them if I knew them at a deeper level outside of dancing. (And maybe it's better that I don't know, this way I can keep the nice image I have created in my head about them and who they are in their normal life :p )
    wol, SnowDancer and Marisha like this.
  2. granrey

    granrey Sonero

    Dance connection and personal connection have very little to do with each other.
    manzanadulce and Offbeat like this.
  3. Smejmoon

    Smejmoon El Sabroso de Conguero

    That's strange. I think both things has an attention component. Falling in love means undivided attention. And dance connection gets so much better with undivided attention.

    It does make one stupid, wobblyknees and stuff, so dance might not necessarily be better, but connection wise, it should.
  4. Chris_Yannick

    Chris_Yannick Shine Officer

    Elevated dance ability DOES increase someone's attractiveness in my eyes.

    There are some girls who only caught my eye after they'd improved. Usually happens when you don't pay someone any attention in the beginning because the dancing was just meh, but then when they get better (usually after a long time) I develop some kind of personal interest in them.
  5. granrey

    granrey Sonero

    Most people in relationships don't even know how to dance and many dancers get in relationships with non dancers.

    I hate to generalize but women tend to relate dancing with sex. Guys know that and tend to use that to their advantage.

    Dancing is a good way to gauge interest, excuse to be close, spend time together, have conversations, flirting, etc.

    So, if a couple is dancing a lot together, there is a good chance that something might be there compared to others that ignore each other. Same as people doing lots of homework together, etc.

    However, a love relationship is something way more complex than chemistry/understanding in the dance floor.
  6. elanimal

    elanimal Tumbao

    I'll have to disagree here.

    Some people find it easier to compartmentalize the two different types of connections, I think I do. But it would be naive to deny they are related and don't influence each other.

    We are talking that often positive feelings of attraction are conflated. However, for me negative feelings of attraction work the same. There are girls who are relatively popular to dance with among my leader friends, but those particular girls don't care for me personally, so I don't really like them either. Inevitably, the dance connection suffers. I don't enjoy dancing with them no matter how good they are, and it doesn't matter how smooth and 'exciting' I make the dance, I get no reaction.

    Something interesting happens around Halloween time. I like to wear a mask when I go dancing because I like to surprise girls I know and dance with often, to see if they recognize me. However, I also really like to dance with girls who don't like me, those girls I mentioned above (less than a handful). It's happened twice that a girl who despises me for some unknown reason dances with me when I have a mask on, and their reaction is totally different... they are into it, connecting, curious, open. Diametrically opposite to their cold reactions when we've danced before. Maybe I'm just ugly and a monkey mask is an improvement.

    When I reveal who I am, the look of confusion is worth the blistering heat inside that mask.

    If personal dislike can negatively affect dance connection, it's not a giant leap to assume personal attraction can bolster dance connection and vice-versa. I'm not above myself to admit when I'm attracted to a girl, I certainly believe her dancing is often better than it really is.
  7. SnowDancer

    SnowDancer Clave Commander

    It's easy to see this in action at salsa clubs when I sit out a dance. A guy who's not especially attractive will ask a woman to dance, and she'll either turn him down; or accept, but look bored or annoyed the whole time. And it has nothing to do with his ability to dance. Then an attractive guy will ask her, and she'll be all smiles, even though he's throwing her around the floor, and totally rhythm deaf.

    Same thing with the roles reversed, where you'll see guys lining up to dance with an attractive woman, even though she's mediocre at best as a dancer. In fact, that can even draw guys in, since it gives them a chance to offer to 'teach' her.
  8. granrey

    granrey Sonero

  9. DJ Yuca

    DJ Yuca El Sabroso de Conguero

    Seen both, many times. For the latter scenario, the woman in question can be attractive or just young.
    granrey likes this.
  10. Chris_Yannick

    Chris_Yannick Shine Officer

    I thought this was prevalent everywhere until I moved East. Those considered attractive here will dance with anyone and I mean anyone, but that will happen when you have higher follower to lead ratio. What you are describing is definitely problem with either an equal or higher lead to follow ratio. Western world attitudes don't help either.
  11. Marisha

    Marisha Descarga

    It is kind of tricky...
    You can feel something like fireworks but your partner does not, or he can feel chemistry and connection, but you do not. I think I have not had experience in salsa when we both felt fireworks with similar intensity. So, the person who feels like he or she is connected to this lovely partner, (usually) falls into self-deception that leads to salsa crush and pain.
  12. Marisha

    Marisha Descarga

    The same. If I see a good-looking guy with quite low dancing skills and a good dancer, I will choose a good dancer 100%.
    terence likes this.
  13. Offbeat

    Offbeat Maestro 'Fania' Pacheco

    I am not sure if by saying 'like' you meant in a romantic way or just as a person. Chemistry is always complex isn't it. You can like someone a lot but without romantic interest. You can find someone handsome or beautiful but not romantically attractive. But hopefully if you are romantically attracted, you do like them :)

    Sometimes we like someone without knowing much about them as a person but simply based on how good they are at a certain thing. We then build up an image of them in our mind, which may be divorced from reality. E.g. someone who writes very articulately may have very little social skills or be simply boring person to spend time with in real life.

    Our mind tends to creates correlations without us being aware of them. If A is good at X, then A is also good at Y.

    Most people who dance regularly as a hobby or professionally for a while, all know that a dance connection or dance chemistry is just that. Can it be a starting point for something romantic? Sure. Just like anything else. If love at first sight can be true sometimes, why not dance connection leading to more. But again those are exceptions and not the rules :)

    A personal connection, doesn't mean you would like dancing with that person. Sometimes the chemistry in dancing is simply not there, sometimes it is hit or miss, sometimes the other person is simply a bad dancer. But sometimes that person is an okay or above average dancer and you like dancing with them because you like them as a person.

    Neither comes first. If you think logically they are mutually exclusive. Either can lead to the other, but that should be seen more as an exception than a rule.

    Though the converse is usually true - if you don't like someone as a person, it is very highly unlikely that you will enjoy dancing with them. Or for that matter any other type of interaction. Can you think of someone that you dislike and having a cup of coffee with them sounds exciting? :)
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2017
    Marisha likes this.
  14. Marisha

    Marisha Descarga

    100% yes we fall in love with an illusion that we built in our imagination.
    It could be an interesting experiment:)
  15. Offbeat

    Offbeat Maestro 'Fania' Pacheco

    Throwing hot liquid in someone's face is excluded from the definition of 'exciting' :D
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2017
    Marisha likes this.
  16. Marisha

    Marisha Descarga

    You know...sometimes we fall in love with our own illusion...but we also can hate our own illusion. Probably cup of coffee helps me to know this person better, and this person will become my friend or someone special...;)
  17. Offbeat

    Offbeat Maestro 'Fania' Pacheco

    You mean throwing the cup of coffee helps you knowing them better? :D

    Seriously speaking, it depends on what the dislike is about. One of my best buddies is the person that I initially disliked. Because I found him a loud mouth and boastful. Still is. But he is also a gem of a person with a heart of gold.

    If there is a fundamental clash of values or the other person displays consistent pattern of behaviour that fills you with contempt, that is extremely difficult to bridge.

    Depends on what you are trading off. Is something you like in a person significantly more important than what you dislike in them.
  18. Marisha

    Marisha Descarga

    Yes, you are right if we know a person and we see that we do not share the values it is kind of challenging to become closer. I was talking about a first impression when you do not like someone, but you even cannot say have some weak, imaginary reasons but actually you do not know this person well.
    Offbeat likes this.

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