Do you make an excuse when you tell a jerk no to a dance?

Discussion in 'Just Dance' started by SmartAlx, Mar 13, 2010.

  1. SmartAlx

    SmartAlx Tumbao

    There's this unwritten rule that says you pretty much should say yes to at least one dance if a guy (or girl) asks you. And if you say no then you should say no to anyone else that asks.

    But there are some people that you just do not want to dance with. I suppose there could be many reasons but the one I'm interested in is a guy who has a terrible reputation for overpowering the girl, forcing her to do moves she can't do, and basically putting her at risk of injury. Or a guy who does inappropriate moves with every girl. Copping a feel whenever he can. The kind of guy who is unapologetic about the way he dances, leading with force and treating the girl like a toy. He's not necessarily inexperienced. He knows what he is doing but makes no apologies for it. He thinks everyone should dance his way.

    What do you say to these guys? Do you tell them you're tired, or you're going to the bathroom, or to the bar? Or do you say you are just going to sit this one out? Or that you promised the next dance to someone else? Or do you tell him the truth? That you don't want to dance with HIM specifically because he is reckless and inconsiderate? Or he is inappropriate? Or you know that he has hurt girls in the past and you just saw him dance and you are not going to dance that way with him until he learns to dance with class? And after you tell him this do you say yes to a different guy?

    Personally I think it's best in this case to be upfront. If he gets excuses he'll find a way to weasel his way into a dance. But more importantly, if he gets a lot of feedback from a lot of girls telling him that he terrifies them, then maybe he'll learn a lesson. I know you don't want to be confrontational but that's pretty much how you have to handle jerks. If you don't, then he'll keep dancing that way with new girls who don't know better and he'll continue hurting girls. In fact I think you have a responsibility to tell a guy that he is dangerous or dances inappropriately. Make excuses for the nice guys, but let the jerks have it!

    What are y'all's feelings about this?
  2. nowhiteshoes

    nowhiteshoes Pattern Police

    'No thanks' is fine imo

  3. sweavo

    sweavo Maestro 'Guaguanco' Rodríguez

    If you have the guts, the truth has to be best for the whole scene. It could mean that he is discouraged and stops coming, a gain for the scene; it could mean that he never realised he was unpleasant to dance with and amends his behaviour, again a gain; or it could mean he falls out with you and never asks you again, in which case you win!

    But I'm talking as if it's easy to do... I know it isn't because I don't have the courage to tell someone they smell or they ask me for too many dances in an evening.
  4. Salsa Bear

    Salsa Bear Sabor Ambassador

    No thanks.

    I HATE the idea of dancing with someone who's only dancing with me because she was too polite (or gutless) to say no. In fact, if I don't sense that my partner is enjoying the dance, I'll never ask her to dance again. In that spirit, a simple "No thanks" works for me, though I've actually had surprisingly few rejections.
  5. Mambo T

    Mambo T Rhythm Deputy

    Tell him that you promised the next dance to another person, or that you are running to wash your hands and will be back in a few. These seem to work well for me, without the need to go into further detail
  6. SalseraRita

    SalseraRita Son Montuno

    With guys like you describe, I just blatantly say "No". No excuses, no smiles, just "No". I've found that any polite way of answering will give them an excuse to persist.

    And yes, I would go dance with someone else if they asked me. If the jerk takes offense of my behavior and never asks again, good for me. If he persists, I give him the same cold reply.

    I would only tell him why I refuse to dance with him in case he asks me to explain. Otherwise I figure it's not my place to tell him.
  7. MacMoto

    MacMoto Administrator Staff Member

    My primary strategy is to try to make sure I don't get asked by these guys, so when I see one of these guys approaching me, I immediately turn and walk away, grabbing whoever is available, male or female. If they ask me before I catch someone else, I just say no, without giving any excuse or explanation. I don't hesitate to dance with someone else either - I normally ask a girl to dance in that situation, but if a guy asks me, I say yes. As Rita says, if the guy gets offended and never asks me again, that solves the problem for both of us.
  8. sunsoul

    sunsoul Shine Officer

    I think I may be with sweavo on this.... It is a tough call. The problem with running away, ignoring or just saying no all the time is that you keep seeing the same people, or you keep walking past the same people at the same events. The bad feeling will still exist, as the guy can nine times out of ten see you running away... and nothing changes.
  9. J&A

    J&A Son

    In this situation it is easy! Say yes then as soon as he leads something too strong, scream in pain and leave the floor, making it look serious. Then if he has the guts to ask again, he will understand why you turned him down and no hard feelings. :)
  10. mangomotion

    mangomotion Tumbao

    I typically say "no thank you" and hope that's it, but if he keeps asking, I may say something to him about why. I haven't come across many leaders I can really call a jerk though, usually it seems to be that he's actually a decent guy and just oblivious to how he is perceived by others.

    There have been one or two times where a particularly persistent leader crosses the line, perhaps by grabbing my arm and pulling me out to the floor after I have declined a dance. In that case, I stop being polite, say something, and shake off their arm and walk away. Of course, I didn't think of them as a jerk before they asked and after they acted like a jerk, I hope I made it clear that I don't want them to ask.
  11. ajohnson4

    ajohnson4 Son

    The "no thank you" line seems to be an appropriate and polite way of turning someone down. I agree with MacMoto, walking away or talking to someone else works as well. If they persist, I just say "I need to adjust my makeup". If that still does not work, then they get the frosty "no".

    I notice this is for females and how to appropriately respond. What about for males? How do you politely turn down an offer to dance, especially from a great dancer or from someone really pretty, without hurting anyone's feelings?
  12. GForce85

    GForce85 Rhythm Deputy

    I'm with the 'no thanks' camp. Just say it as many times as they ask until they get the message. I don't agree that anyone has a responsibility to tell the guy about his problems, but if you want to then by all means have at it.

    If I promised the dance to someone else or I was going to ask someone else and I'm reasonably certain I won't be rejected then I just say "sorry, I'm going to dance this one with [x]." Otherwise I say "sorry, I'm sitting this one out." In either case if I actually want to dance with the asker I add "let's dance the next one" or "I'll come get you later." If I don't want to dance with the asker I don't add anything. Then I dodge them for the rest of the night :lol:


  13. Jag75

    Jag75 Shine Officer

    To be honest I never turn anyone down who asks but I think it's a lot easier for a lead to dance with whoever as I've never seen a woman who regularly dances recklessly and injures leads, and I've never encountered a woman who is gropey or who I've felt threatened sexually by.

    If I did encounter a woman who was dangerous with everyone and she asked me to dance, I'd say "No thanks." and leave it at that.
  14. sweavo

    sweavo Maestro 'Guaguanco' Rodríguez

    The make up excuse is not a good one because it sounds like a temporary no. It's implicit that when the makeup is fixed you might be up for a dance. It's ineffective and a waste of everyone's time and energy. The only girl who ever made it onto my do not dance list got on there because of making me come back to ask her again only to refuse a second time. That was in 2001 and I still see her from time to time and have never asked again.
  15. sweavo

    sweavo Maestro 'Guaguanco' Rodríguez

  16. adryna

    adryna Changui

    u make to much truble of this... i think one dance won't kill anyone
    try to put yourself in other shoes, if u get refused howwould you feel about ?
    it's your decision to refuse also, but where is the fun ?!
  17. Ms Salsa

    Ms Salsa Changui

    "One dance won't kill anyone" but can cause injuries that can keep you out of the dance floor for a while.

    On another note, yesterday I went dancing and as I was changing my shoes a guy walks to me and says " oh, she brought her dance shoes!" and then tells me that there aren't many followers in the club. I looked at him and smiled. I have seen him dance before and this is one guy I would not enjoy dancing with ( for all the reasons mentioned in the first post).
    I made a comment to my friend so he knew I didn't wanna dance with the guy. When he saw him coming towards us my friend asked me to dance, the guy said something like...."you already danced with her". Anyways, I thought that was a clear sign I didn't wanna dance with him.
    I was wrong, after a couple of songs he comes to me again and asked me to dance. "I said, no sorry I can't keep up with you" the guy insisted, I said "No thanks" he would not leave and tried to reach for my hand so the third time I was saying no my friend had to tell him " She said, she DOESN'T wanna dance". It was an awkward moment and and maybe a bit rude but he caused the tension.
  18. sweavo

    sweavo Maestro 'Guaguanco' Rodríguez

    Hi adryna and welcome to the forum! Most people here will happily accept bad dances but everyone has the right to turn down someone for any reason... and a risk of injury or being put in an inappropriate situation is as good a reason as any!
  19. UnlikelySalsero

    UnlikelySalsero Rhythm Deputy

    I have to say I respectfully disagree with your "unwritten rule". No woman owes me a dance. And they are free to dance with someone else after telling me no.

    As a new dancer, I used to get bothered if someone turned me down, then danced with someone else. It did seem rude to me.

    I've been around a while, now I see it differently.

    Today if they don't dance with me but dance with someone else, more power to them. I get the hint and probably won't ask again that night.

    I don't take it personally. There are many reasons she could turn me down. It's a social scene and if she doesn't know me, it makes sense she would say no at points. (Older white guys don't have the reputation for being the stronger dancers in my scene...)

    She may not like my looks, the way I dance, my age, or maybe she's seen me dance and doesn't like something about me (too calm, too gray, too many spins, not enough spins, too bland, too old, too something that doesn't seem fun to her...)

    "No thank-you" is fine. No excuse needed. And again, she can dance with another the same tune without me thinking anything negative about her. (Some guys are hyper-sensitive about that... I say they need to get over it.)

    Nobody owes me a dance and frankly I think that applies to all the leads. (None of them owe me a dance either ;) )


    As a guy, I can avoid being asked most of time IF there was someone I wanted to avoid. Females are rarely persistent like us guys, and saying no is VERY unusual for me. I don't remember saying no without going back to her later. I know I have done it when I promised another the next dance.

    If a guy avoids being in the general area when a dance starts, most follows will not track you down. I have avoided a few people over the years, but that is not my norm and I certainly understand follows avoiding me occasionally.
  20. UnlikelySalsero

    UnlikelySalsero Rhythm Deputy

    Welcome to the forum!!

    No, one dance won't kill anybody, but one dance with the wrong lead can get you hurt... so follows need to be more selective...

    A follow should turn me down if her first impression of me is negative. Maybe later she'll realize I was the dream dance she was waiting for (NOT!), but saying "no thank-you" is fine by me.

    I don't love being turned down, but it's life and guys need to deal with it gracefully and move on.

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